Vam...pyers? Wut are 'dose?

–Wizard's Hat when first introduced to Vampyres.

Wizard's Hat
"Mmmm, 'dis wall tasty!"

Full Name

Wizard's Hat, the Hitter of Things


Mountain Troll


7,567 meals




True Neutral


Alive and happily eating snails.

Wizard's Hat is a troll that, through various mishaps involving a wizard, ended up in Canifis for his first taste of the world outside of Trollheim and Burthorpe. He now explores the world to see what new things he can find and eat. He is usually seen emptying meat lockers into his mouth, eating snails, eating wall plaster....mostly eating.


Wizard's Hat is a young troll of about eight feet in height. His weight is....big. Very big. He, like most mountain trolls, has hard skin that resembles stone, which gained moss since he entered Canifis. Another noticable feature is a scar on his face from his encounter with a slayer in Falador. His clothing consists of rags mostly, and he is generally seen carrying a stone axe and a wooden shield.


As many would expect, Wizard's Hat is dumber than a bag of hammers, and often behaves in a childish manner. In terms of aggressiveness however, he only exhibits it when angered, forced to, or when seeing other trolls showing it. Unless he's bullied or attacked, he rarely picks fights with people. He enjoys talking to beings he knows little about, since he's curious about things he doesn't know, as well as telling stories of his life as a troll to others. 


The First Meal of a Baby Troll

A baby troll was born in the Trollweis mountains as the cutest little lump of rock in existence. One day while his mother and father were out

The hat that gave Wizard's Hat his name.

hunting for food, he wandered out of his village to find some food for himself. He encountered a wizard, wandering around in the cliffs below him. After jumping on the poor wizard's head and taking him to the ground, the baby troll devoured his hat. Fortunately his parents got there before the wizard regained consciousness to find that his hat and most of his other possessions were eaten. From there, the baby troll was known as Wizard's Hat.

Several Meals Later...

Wizard's Hat grew into a big and strong troll who worked as footsoldier for the troll forces, dubbed with the title "The Hitter of Things". For several years he served the troll army...hitting things until one day the troll army began an attack on Burthorpe. Wizard's Hat took the front lines, eager to eat everything he could find, not knowing he would meet an old acquaintance again.

The Wizard Strikes Back

Garth, a wizard of the Burthope Militia, could hear the trolls coming, their thunderous voices and footsteps echoing through the mountains. A soldier next to him looked at him. "You're shaking like a leaf, wizard."

"N-n-n-no I-I-I'm n-n-not.....o-okay m-maybe a l-little...." Garth's forehead was practically washing itself with his sweat.

"Relax, this isn't the first time the trolls have attacked, and we've managed to drive them back every time. They're slow and stupid, they should stand little chance against a wizard like you."

"I-If y-y-you say s-so..." Garth whimpered a little as he heard weapons clashing on armor.

"That's our cue," The soldier said. "Get ready for battle, wizard."

A loud crash shook the ground as a troll jumped from the cliff onto the ground in front of them, roaring at the soldiers: "Fite me! I'll wrek you like...things!"

Soldiers charged, yelling battle cries before getting swatted aside as though they were rag dolls. The troll approached Garth, who quickly charged a fire spell. The troll got to Garth before he had finished charging the spell. He released what he had charged in panic at the troll's chest, and it dissipated weakly off of the troll's stony skin. It laughed at the wizard. "Ha! Puny magik user!.....Wait...." The troll stared at Garth, and Garth stared back. They both said at the same time: "Don't I know you?"

Wizard's Hat had once again found Garth, the wizard who's stuff he devoured. Wizard's Hat started talking to him, reminiscing the tasty hat that gave him his name, while Garth started charging a tele-other behind his back since he couldn't think of a spell that would kill the troll while he was distracted. Garth released the spell once Wizard's Hat started getting on the subject of tasty undergarments, and sent him to the one place he believed the troll wouldn't stand a chance or at least wouldn't harm anyone: Morytania.

Morytanian Cuisine

The tele-other cast upon Wizard's Hat sent him directly into Canifis. At first he was confused as to how he ended up in some place he didn't recognize, but the smell of fresh meat made the confusion go away quickly. He barged into the Hair and the Dog Inn and ate the contents of the meatlocker, which surprised several patrons and caused them to spit out their drinks. After eating, he asked a pair of Vampyres in their humanoid forms if they knew where he was, thinking they were humans. When he found out what they really were, he was even more confused about where he was since he never heard of Vampyres.

He then left the bar and found the wonderful taste of snails, which led him to an abandoned cave in the mountains on the Western Coast of the
100px-Bark blamish snail

Wizard's Hat's favorite food from Morytania.

Salve, which wasn't a problem for him to cross since it was shallow enough for him to walk through. He set up a troll den in the cave and lives there to this day.

The Tunnels

After spending a few months in Morytania, while on a snail hunt, Wizard's Hat encountered the troll Pickaxe...riding on the back of a desert strikewyrm. After clubbing the thing to death while underground, Pickaxe dragged it out and invited Wizard's Hat to have Big-Worm Stew with him back home. Wizard's Hat followed Pickaxe through a system of tunnels that he dug back to Pickaxe's cave, where they boiled the strikewyrm, along with some snail shell broth, and had stew. It was there that Wizard's Hat found out that he was in Can-of-Fish in Mormon-tania, names which meant absolutely nothing to his memory.

Pickaxe told Wizard's Hat that he could use his tunnel system anytime he wanted to go someplace new. Wizard's Hat returned to his cave in Canifis later and proceeded to draw a crude map of the tunnels on his wall, complete with childish drawings of snails and rocks, so that next time he knew where he was.

The Chosen Battalion

When traveling to Falador, Wizard's Hat encountered Monkey Back. Monkey Back took interest in the troll, and offered to take him to the Goblin Village to become one of the Chosen Battalion. Curious, Wizard's Hat gladly came along to the Goblin Village, where he found several interesting things to poke and stare at. He later met Mudbrain, who set up a combat trial against the goblin Big-Nose to prove Wizard's Hat's capabilities as a warrior. The battle lasted for 2 minutes without a single hit being taken on either side before Wizard's Hat was declared the winner and became a soldier of the Chosen Battalion.

Wizard's Hat's Encounters


"He troll friend who lead Wizard's Hat through tunnels to places. He say place with snails called Can-of-fish of Mormon-tania. He like stew, like me, and show me tasty way to make snail stew."

Carnyvoos Forks

"He funny vampyre. He try to eat Wizards' Hat, but Wizards' Hat too tuff for him to chew, he broke pointy teeth on somethin' and has hard time now."

Aza-line Forks

"She smart vampyre. She nice to Wizards' Hat, but mean to Carnyvoos 'cuz he don't read in Arc-hives, whatever 'dose are. Good thing me don't know how to read, 'cuz she'd be mean to me too."

Loth-boring-man Forks

"Wizard's Hat never meet him, but he 'sposed to be big high leader of some place in Mormon-tania. Me hear lots about him. His 'rath' sound tasty."

Kay-Dar and Scary Woman

"Wizard's Hat meet them in Fail-of-dur. Kay-dar keep hittin' me in head, while Scary Woman just scary. Me remember them say they 'Slay-yers' or somethin' before me wake up in pond. Me know know: Slay-yers like hittin' trolls in head and puttin' them in ponds. They scary."


"Me find him in Fail-of-dur. Me hear many stories of strength. We wrestled arms and he won. He strongest hyooman I ever find to beat troll like me. Wonder if he like snails...."

Kettle Man

"In Can-of-fish me fite clunky man who smell like kettle. He slice up my shield and keep sayin' weird words like 'sit-you-nation' and 'Op-shun'. He owe me new sheild. Maybe he give me big blade he carry, it very nice weppon, perfect trade for wooden shield 'dat now fit his size."


  • Wizard's Hat particularly enjoys eating snails from the swamps.
  • A vampyre chipped his tooth in an attempt to bite Wizard's Hat in the neck.
  • Everything Wizard's Hat knows about geography he learned from Pickaxe, including the names of cities and their locations relative to his tunnel system.
  • Wizard's Hat constantly asks humanoids whether or not they are vampyres, seeing as he can't tell the difference between races when they are in human form.
  • The most common phrase that Wizard's Hat hears in Morytania when he goes on an eating adventure is: "What the hell is that thing?!"
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