How to Please a Woman
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How to Please a Woman is an in-character book written by the character Varlaam Antony. This book is commonly available to the public in many libraries across Gielinor. Viewers are advised to keep in mind that this content is intended to be comedic and does not reflect serious beliefs or opinions; it is not meant to cause offense to any parties. 

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Front Cover


Do you have a special someone whom you truly adore? Do you wish your queen would show you the same sympathy in return? You're in luck, my friend. Lick your fingers, find an able tree, and make yourself comfortable. Your wish has been granted.

Title Page

How to Please a Women

Varlaam's mother

Lucy, the mother of Varlaam

Varlaam Richard Antony II

Antony Publications, Inc. Falador


THE VARROCKIAN NOVELIST and short-story writer Varlaam Antony, referred to by some as The Love Guru, has made room for you deep within the chambers of his kind and caring heart. For that reason, reader, please visit your local bookstore and pay the full admission price required to have obtained this book, if you haven't done so already.

Message From the Author

Young lad, I ask you of only one favor throughout your journey. Please do not share any of the information contained in this novel with anyone you know. Instead, recommend them this book, and allow them to experience and benefit the same way you have. Thank you for your appreciation, VarlaamSignature


Hello, and welcome to what may ultimately change how you approach one of the more important subjects in life, women. Yes, women are in fact a subject, as one may gain further knowledge on their kind through commitment and research alone. This novel will not only instruct you on how to obtain a woman, but also provide strict strategies to ensure your attempts end with success.

Chapter One: Requirements

Through many years of living, I have seen on more than one occasion, a "2" chase after a "10". Now my friend, you may be utterly confused by my references to these people as numbers. Quite obviously, I am judging these people. If you assumed I was categorizing them by their level of "good looks", you my friend, are terribly wrong. A male shall never be judged by how they look. For, the prettiest of elves may belong to the slums of Varrock for all you know. This my friend, brings up my argument. No one knows you better than you know yourself. That being said my friend, you are in charge of where it is you wish to fly to. If you have yet to achieve some form of success, then do not under any circumstances chase after that "10." If you still do not understand where I am going, my friend, then let me tone this down for you. If you do not belong to a high social status, please close this book.


  • This book is commonly read by the Teenage Werewolf, Edwin
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