|“||Hrah! Not yet has Gonad bled enough!!||”|
Gonad Yaksplitter is the chief of the nomadic Barbarian tribe known as the Village of Gonad. He is a former chieftain of Rellekka, a sought after teacher of philosophy and combat, a lover of hefty women, and is revered by many as one of the greatest warriors to have ever lived.
He is played by the user Doc Doctor.
Silhouetted against the burning passions of war, a figure stands tall, unmoving. His physique is as definitive as the gory victory with which his gruesome hands secure. Woven into his beard is a tapestry of blood, proclaiming the legendary tales of the countless scars adorning the sacred weapon, known as Gonad. For weapon he is, heated and hammered in the unquenchable fires of battle.
Pure unadulterated muscle. Lean muscle that ripples under his flesh like the waves of the ocean. He has muscles on his muscles. Feet Muscles. Finger muscles. Muscles in places that muscles should not be. A grisly body resembling tanned granite that might as well have been chiseled by the gods. Bulging veins, thick and course. Tendons like steel cords. Fingers like blunt iron rods. Long, sinewy limbs crafted for naught but the deliverance of phenomenal destruction. His enormous yet supple frame moves with a primal grace, the likes of which are comparable only to the untamed beasts of the wild.
He boasts a great dark gray beard speckled with the blood and bone flakes of his foes, flowing down his freakishly striated chest in thick, oily waves reminiscent of the River Styx. From it emanates the very stench of death and graverot, every bit as inescapable as his piercing glare. Within his single eye resides an undying flame, sizzling hotter than the arse-winds of Satan himself. His body is riddled with the innumerable wounds left by his combative livelihood. Where the scars do not cover his body, coarse manly hair, thick and strong like steel wool, does. He stalks the land in a never-ending conquest to sate his appetite for battle, an apex predator whose only natural enemies are those who don't understand the food chain.
What attributes the primal organism known as "Gonad" bears are no different than the attributes of mother nature herself. Blood-tinged Westerlies carving jagged sluices along the tepid surface of a great and mysterious ocean, whose calm demeanor belies a vast and terrible capability. The wisdom of towering snow-capped mountains, whose interminable experience has been honed over countless millennia of wear and tear. The trepid balance between predator and prey, animal and man, intermingling to form a singular amalgamation of virile life. And yet, he maintains a feature apart from nature. Self-awareness.
A true warrior, the blood of Gonad boils at the prospect of a great battle. The greatest of his lusts, he desires a worthy opponent above all else. To Gonad a battle to the death is the most sacred and honorable ambition a warrior can hope for. Gonad is quite amiable, often asking random strangers to become drinking buddies. He also has a jovial sense of humor and enjoys a good prank. The only official degree of education Gonad holds is a Ph.D in Love and he often gives sagely advice to those looking to spice up their lives. Though he is slow to anger, Gonad can become enraged if he sees any behavior which he deems "Dishonorable".
Through many years of brutal nonstop discipline and training, he developed a will as hard as his body. As weakness had been beaten out of him at birth, it was not long before he became so well associated with hardship and pain that both feelings became an integral part of his personality. He enjoys agony and difficulty, and carries upon his shoulders the full weight of his village's pride and future. To Gonad, shame and fear are emotions that no longer exist. With adversity drilled into the very core of his being through unimaginable effort he shaped his mind into an unbreechable iron hull filled with undepletable reserves of determination. Though not by any means distanced from other negative emotions, he still bears them with neither complaint nor angst and has never allowed himself to feel regret.
Gonad now travels the land endlessly, seeking nothing more than worthy opponents to fight. He lives only for pushing the boundaries of human strength and spirit, pushing himself beyond the utmost limit in extreme combat. He fears not death, nor pain, nor loss, for it is from these things that the vigor and strength of true manhood and honor spring. He revels in the pain, luxuriates in death, and basks in loss. To fight for honor, the honor of both himself, and for the honor of those who are unable to defend themselves against the dishonorable. There is no life, death, joy, sadness. Nothing but the fist of Gonad exists, eternally judging the honorable from the dishonorable and crushing all who dare oppose it.
He respects women greatly, and is sworn to only ever strike a woman in self defence with the flat of his hand. If a woman proves to be especially ugly or powerful, he may bend the rules a bit. If Gonad feels that his opponent is truly worthy in fighting spirit, then he will honor them by fighting with his full might, even if they are small or a female. He never will engage in dishonorable practices such as deception, and will not tolerate an unfair fight. It is widely thought that Gonad is something of an idiot, but this is incorrect. Gonad is just a simple man who very rarely premeditates an action, instead acting from the heart and without hesitation, following only the voice of his soul.
In Gonad's belief system it is understood that no warrior can be called truly "Proficient". This is because that would imply a fighter exists who is "Perfect", meaning that he could never be beaten. As Gonad believes that there is always a stronger opponent, he maintains that he is, and always will be, a student. With this belief, all physical limitations are considered nonexistent as there will always be the motive of growing stronger without end, whilst maintaining an air of humble dignity and respect for the potential of others.
They say when the Barbarian called Gonad Yaksplitter was born, he came into this world bearing a full and mighty beard and had the equivalent muscles of a shaved adult yak. He was born on the battlefield, his infantile but well defined body gushing forth from the womb of his mother and landing in a puddle of blood that had been pooling from the corpse of a nearby enemy. It was in this way that Gonad had first been christened with the blood of his enemies. His mother, Chukka, had broken both legs in the battle and only she and her newborn son had survived the disastrous conflict. It had been a Barbarian war party, sent out from Gonad's home village which lay fifty-five miles East.
Chukka was forced to crawl back using her hands and teeth, bearing Gonad on her back. Only by sustaining young Gonad with the meat of her placenta and the warm milk from her breasts was she able to keep him nourished during the arduous trip back. Using the prodigious length of young Gonad's beard, she was able to fashion a makeshift diaper to keep him from soiling her back. After two months, they managed to return to the village, much to the great joy of Chief Jarvi. Upon being shocked at the sight of Gonad's beard-diaper being removed, he promptly named muscular Gonad after his hefty namesake, and renamed their village after the miracle child. For many ages the Village of Gonad has been renowned for its strength, most often migrating around in the deep Wilderness. Gonad's birth was the very culmination of generations of hard-earned might, his destiny pre-determined by his ancestors. Their intent? To create the perfect physical human. And so they did. By some rarely seen genetic fault, Gonad was born with a complete and total deficiency in myostatin, the hormone that limits muscle growth and testosterone. This, coupled with muscular dysmorphia, an overactive pituitary gland, and a hyperactive rate of metabolism, created the ultimate specimen of manhood. A being that was literally born to fight. The strongest barbarian tribe in Gielinor put forth their utmost efforts to create this supreme warrior, drawing upon all of their available resources just for the sake of one child.
Since before he could walk, Gonad was made to train in the berserker arts with a relentless fervor that surpassed common sense. Nearly every minute of every hour of every day of his life he endured the most excruciating physical and mental training imaginable, his talent for unarmed combat pushed well beyond the boundaries of reason. He bears as many scars from his training as he does from battle. Gonad has participated in thousands of individual fights, ranging from one on one bouts to full scale wars, and from his experience has even created his own fighting style, which he dubbed "Hefty Fist".
From the moment of his birth, he was made to perform rigorous excercises in order to develop his body as soon as possible. The full details of his training remain unknown for the most part, as the accounts of Barbarians are often muddled with myth. What is known are the basics of his regimen, from the date of his birth, to current day.
Aged One: Gonad is regularly beaten with a wet strip of leather. Gonad is regularly held over stoked flames. Gonad is regularly given rodents, and encouraged to crush them in his hands. Gonad is forced to develop his upper body strength via unknown means, involving a two pound rock, a plank, a boot, and rope crafted from yak hair.
Aged Five: Gonad is regularly taken several dozen miles into the wilderness before being abandoned and told to make his way back. Gonad is regularly brought into tribal wars, and claims to have had a double digit kill-count before his sixth year. Gonad is made to regularly consume the flesh of his fallen enemies. Gonad is regularly made to carry an eighty-pound rock upon his back. Gonad is regularly beaten with wooden staves whilst wrestling with his older peers in a pit full of yak dung. Gonad is regularly made to mate with older Barbarian women. Gonad is regularly made to strike rocks with his bare fists. In tribal wars, often many warriors are left mortally wounded on the battlefield, unable to recieve medical treatment. Though Gonad speaks freely of the kills he made in honorable combat, he rarely describes the many grievously wounded allies and enemies he was tasked with mercy killing. Several of his own brethren Gonad had to kill in this way, by snapping their necks.
Aged Ten: Gonad habitually trains to the point of sweating blood. Gonad is regularly made to fight wild animals unarmed. Gonad is regularly beaten with iron rods. Gonad regularly splits burning logs with his crotch. Gonad is made to carry a one-hundred and eighty pound rock upon his back at all times. Gonad is branded regularly with hot irons. Gonad regularly spars with his peers in the catacombs underneath the village, where it is pitch black. Gonad is regularly made to punch yaks until they die of blunt force trauma. Gonad is regularly made to skin and disembowel said yaks with bare hands. It was at this time Gonad met Lukka, his first wife. An enduring custom of the Village of Gonad, the wife always fights her spouse tooth and nail on their wedding night during mating. The fight is no holds barred, and often severe and permanent injuries result from it. The winner of this matrimonial bout becomes the dominant partner in the relationship. To overpower your mate is known in the village as "taming" them. Gonad tamed Lukka on the first night of their marriage.
Aged Fifteen: As per the requirements of the Village's manhood ritual, Gonad and his brother Testiculese were made to journey up the steep side of White Wolf Mountain. The hike spanning several days, the two barbarians took turns carrying eachother upon their backs so that the one being carried would have a chance for rest, and the one carrying him would make up for his lack of effort. Up sheer cliffs, and through howling wind and freezing snow did Gonad carry Testiculese, and did Testiculese carry Gonad. With naught but their own bare flesh, they bore both the furies of nature and of the ravenous white wolf packs. After five days, they reached the summit, and together they struck down the Alpha Wolf. And then, back down again they went, the trip back to the base of the mountain taking another five days of hardship. Through these ten days in icy Hell, the bonds of brotherhood grew stronger than any metal that had ever been forged.
Aged Twenty: Gonad claims to have had a triple digit kill-count. Gonad regularly strikes his face against rocks. Gonad regularly falls from twenty foot high cliffs. Gonad regularly takes mass beatings from his village as endurance training. Gonad regularly punches himself in the face. Gonad is made to toat a three-hundred and forty pound rock upon his back at all times. Gonad regularly sets off on three-month long expeditions to seek strong opponents. It was at this time that Gonad created the "Hefty Fist" style of martial arts. By this time, Gonad had already met and tamed his second, third, and fourth wives; Chinga, Brokki, and Dronna, respectively.
Aged Thirty: Gonad seeks immense physical stress by any means possible. He continues to go on three-month long expeditions from his village to seek out strong opponents. Gonad claims to have a quadruple digit kill-count. Gonad regularly carries a four-hundred and sixty-four pound rock in his arms. Currently, Gonad has a total of eight wives, with the new additions being Thorungi, Krabbucka, Chugga, and Grukara. Over eight feet tall, and weighing nearly a quarter of a ton, Gonad's favored wife Chugga is both the strongest female and the second strongest warrior in the village. Having attended all of the tribal wars that occured in her lifetime, she herself had killed many men with her bare hands. Better known as the Seventh Wife of Gonad, she fought Gonad as viciously as any opponent Gonad had ever faced. It was by her hand that Gonad lost his left eye. Gonad was able to tame her after a bloody scrap that lasted over two hours.
The Falador Days
Soon after Gonad's twenty-first birthday, his father, Chief Jorvi Yaksplitter, was killed in battle. Gonad was made chief immediately upon his return from the Misthalani War. Leaving Testiculese as chieftan in his absence, Gonad made his first trip to Falador, having heard of the many fights that occurred there. On arrival, Gonad decided upon a prolonged stay. He found a paradise within the legendary Rising Sun, earning a reputation as the bar's best brawler. His most notable victories during this period in time include defeating a squadron of eight white knights, a pirate, an infest zombie, two dragons, and a demon (whom Gonad strangled using his own lower intestine, not the demon's), all within a two-hour period using only unarmed combat. He also has fought the enchanted construct known as 'Vile multiple times, with many of their battles having ended in ties. Perhaps his greatest feat at this time was taking on the Sicarius militia in their own camp, single handedly and without any armor or weapons. The affair ended in a stalemate, with only three Sicarius casualties.
The Mortanian Trek
After Gonad's stay in Falador he traveled to Morytania in search of stronger opponents. Upon passing the River Salve, Gonad was confronted by a troop of Vyrewatch seeking a tithe. After having tried cooking and eating them to no avail due to their horrible taste, Gonad had then found his way to the town of Canifis where he would settle for some time to come. Eventually realising that he had been caught up in the everyday dramas of vampyric bickering, Gonad soon decided that the Dark Lands no longer held his interest. Notable victories which occurred during this time period include various werewolves and vampyres, an infernal demon lord, a Mahjarrat, and three Vyrelords.
Upon leaving Mortyania, Gonad had then traveled to the outskirts of Al-Kharid to seek greater strength. There he joined with the Academy of Heroes, quickly becoming Melee Master and taking on the role of a teacher. Notable victories which occured at this time include taking down a werewolf with a flying knee, conquering two mahjarrats with hand-to-hand combat, and defeating a fully armed nine foot tall ork in seven seconds whilst buck naked. Not long after joining the Academy, a great panic arose. The fully powered post-ritual mahjarrat Anubis was soon to invade, desiring to take the land as his own. The entire Academy was evacuated to the docks, Gonad only following out of confusion. He had not yet been told of a threat. Upon reaching the docks he learned of the dreaded invader, promptly turning around and heading right back to the Academy, leaving the mournful pleas of his comrades behind.
The Academy of Heroes
The dark, flowing figure that was Anubis strode through the Academy gate, followed closely behind by an undead black dragon of prodigious size. Throughout the barren, windswept courtyard, but a single half-naked man stood.
Completely baffled, the undead beast stared incredulously as the obviously insane stranger walked right up to its face. Before it could pull away, Gonad had hurled himself upon the creature's neck, applying the potent and aptly named dragon sleeper hold. Summoning up the greatest reserves of his berserk might, Gonad snapped the beast's neck moments after it clawed open a great gash upon his side, before dropping to the ground and following up with a flashing shoryuken. Though immune to pain and death, the undead beast was flimsier than its living brethren and was incapacitated. The entire time, Anubis watched with amusement, having not expected to see such an entertaining spectacle. As the bloody barbarian turned to him, Anubis offered to reward him with the chance to leave. Before he could finish, however, Gonad rushed upon him with a tackle. Using superhuman strength, Anubis caught Gonad and flung him across the courtyard. He struck a wall, breaking several ribs.
Gonad did not stay down, refusing to let the Academy fall to ruin. Knowing that he had to end the fight before any spells were cast, he once again charged towards Anubis. The mahjarrat summoned a pair of banshees to assault Gonad's ears, a lurid grin stretching across his skull. That smile quickly turned deadpan, for instead of sticking cloth in his ears like a sensible person, Gonad opted to outright plunge a burly thumb into each listening hole, rupturing the eardrums. Right before Gonad reached him, Anubis teleported to the top of a wooden canopy several yards behind the barbarian, arms crossed. He barely had time to unfold them a split second later, surprised by the berserker's animalistic speed. Gonad reached him before he could leave the canopy, lunging forth to grab a bony ankle in each hand.
Anubis leaned over, clawing at Gonad's back to no avail. With a tremulous bellow, Gonad proceeded to pendulum slam the mahjarrat into the ground opposite the canopy. Anubis broke the fall with his elbows, a loud cracking sound reverberating off the stone walls of the Academy. He began pushing himself up in a daze, only to suddenly feel himself become weightless once more, the sky inverting itself as he was swung overhead to again impact the unforgiving courtyard. Sucking in a great breath of air as blood splurted from his wounds, Gonad let loose with one last shuddering, spit flecked roar as he again tore the mahjarrat from the ground and slung him in a mighty arc. At the apex Gonad leapt, putting the entire heft of his body and soul behind the blow, unceremoniously whipping his opponent into the hard tiling with enough force to send a spider web of cracks spiraling around the splayed out form.
Gonad finally collapsed from exhaustion and blood loss, on the brink of death. Creta De'angelo, one of the Academy mages, returned just in time to save his life. Anubis survived the battle as well. Such was his respect for the resistance of the Academy, that he agreed to leave it be. It was after this that Gonad was first named Melee Master of the Academy of Heroes.
During a journey into Canifis, Gonad encountered the formidable Promethian leader known as Ataleus, with a short but intense battle following. Though Gonad had managed to relieve Ataleus of his blade, he was wholly unprepared for the devastating fire attack that the man's aegus shield carried, something that Gonad had never encountered before. With his few remaining moments of consciousness, Gonad immobilized his opponent by breaking his neck. Both men had fought to a bloody draw.
Shortly after his battle with Ataleus, Gonad provided military aid to the Battalion for a day, an organisation of Bandosians seeking to wage war against the trolls. On their first trip into the mountains to attack, Gonad killed two trolls with his bare hands, snapping the back of the first with a boston crab submission, and crushing the skull of the second with a bulldog/leaping stomp combination. On another trip to Canifis, Gonad and several other humans encountered a Vyrewatch raiding party that was twelve members strong. Most of the humans were forced into retreat, with only Gonad left to face the remaining Vyrewatch. Gonad seized ahold of one and used her body as a blunt weapon, beating off the other Vyrewatch and eventually driving them into a full retreat.
After returning to the Academy, Gonad met the much feared Kaboto and engaged him in battle. The two titans met with unequaled force, trading blows the likes of which could barely be conceived. After having his arse and hands burnt to the bone, and suffering a severely lacerated kidney, Gonad managed to choke Kaboto into unconsciousness with a fierce three-quarter facelock. A few weeks later, Gonad undertook a quest to qualify for the Legends Guild. He was sent to Trollheim, and there encountered the giant fifty foot troll known as Dragon. Though Gonad suffered two broken legs, he was still able to kill the beast with his bare hands by tearing out its throat.
Not long after entering the Legends Guild, Gonad participated in the Faladian Political War, which occurred during the reign of Lord 'Vile. 'Vile gave up the throne, and during the chaos, Gonad ended up with the deed to the Rising Sun. Now tasked as the new overseer of the bar, Gonad decided to allow any and all forms of combat to take place there. Because of this new occupation and Gonad's undefeated bar fighting record, he was given the title of "Lord of the Rising Sun." Not long afterwards, Gonad accompanied a few members of the Everric family on a journey to Oo'glog, to help defend the spa against rogue ogres. After tearing out the heart of one ogre and knocking out another with a single punch, the Everrics bestowed upon Gonad the title of "Champion of the Ogrelands".
One week later whilst Gonad was training his students, an 8'5" division two mahjarrat appeared. He was Crevor, the father of Cyrius, and had intended to frighten the inhabitants of the Academy into submission. Gonad approached, and Crevor attempted to grab him by the throat. Within three seconds Crevor had teleported away, having sustained a shattered arm and two broken ribs. Nobody else had been harmed from the encounter. A week later, the Academy came under attack by a black dragon. Gonad leapt upon the beast's back as it took flight, and defeated the dragon with a terminal velocity piledriver.
During his time as a mentor in the Heroes Academy, Gonad heard tell of a great tournament that was to be fought, with the winner recieving a hefty reward of ten-thousand gold. Without any delay, Gonad prompty entered into this contest of might. His first opponent was Dekim, an elf possessed by a demonic spirit. His second opponent was his own pupil, Funny Beard, who had entered in order to test his skills. His third foe was to be the half-giant K'ril, however K'ril forfeited before the match. Gonad's last opponent was a dragon half-breed, called Cerus the Destroyer.
The Fight Arena Tournament
After being disarmed by Gonad, Cerus resorted to calling upon his pet black dragon for aid. Risking life and limb, Gonad was able to subdue the beast by performing a leaping stomp onto the beast's crown. Cerus then admitted defeat, bestowing upon Gonad the winnings of the tournament. Gonad donated most of the winnings to Loki's Lumbridge Orphanage, keeping only enough for himself to buy a new set of mithril bracers.
After a challenging duel against the experienced Alfred Klios, Gonad decided to set off on a long trek to the Wushanko Isles in order to increase his power. He was taught by Grandmasters Wo Dao and Korgall. The training honed his senses to the utmost level, enhancing his ability to detect opponents through smell, touch, and sound. With the coaching of the grandmasters, Gonad was able to use his berserker skill of bodily control to gain blindsight, the ability to increase the sensitivity of his occipital lobe and transmit senses other than sight through modules in his visual cortex. In other words, he became a very difficult person to sneak up on. In addition, he participated in a great many duels against opponents with varying styles. When at last he returned home, he had achieved the ultimate goal of the martial artist; to become the supreme master of one's body. He discovered that at his new level, his Hefty Fist bracers had become an inferior weapon compared to bare flesh. Still, to maintain his training, he deciding to continue wearing the weighted gear.
Desiring to test his fresh might, Gonad decided to enter a brand new tournament. History's greatest tournament, in fact, with the winner getting a chance to face the mighty Kronesian. Later learning that the victor would obtain a dragon weapon, Gonad realised that the stakes were far greater than they had first seemed; Even if killing were against the rules in the tournament, many lives could still be lost. Without the money gained from selling the dragon weapon, the mortality rate would continue its disastrous course in poverty stricken third world countries full of emaciated, butt-ugly orphans. With a mountainous sense of responsibility placed upon his sweaty shoulders, Gonad set out to save the needy children of the world...
The Paxhae Proelii Tournament
Gonad faced off against Aevan Aerendyl in the first round. Chasing the quick elf across the arena, Gonad was unable to detect the spell that his foe was invisibly charging. When at last Aevan was within reach, the cunning fellow unleashed an undodgeable earth surge that appeared right behind Gonad. The barbarian's back was broken, leaving him paralyzed from the waist down for the remainder of the battle. Now confident that he could best Gonad in close combat, Aevan attempted to finish the fight with his dual scimitars. Seconds later, however, the battle went to the floor and Aevan was set upon with brutal ground and pound. The referee called the match, but a nearby spectator ran in to shove Gonad off of his opponent in an effort to protect Aevan from further harm. In a controversial call, the referee declared that this was interference on Gonad's part and declared the match a draw. Both fighters moved up the roster, with Aevan later getting eliminated.
The next fighter in line was Bane, a musclebound mahjarrat who fought Gonad with his fists. After a short period of trading intense blows, Gonad was able to knock Bane cold with a left cross. After the fight, Gonad heard that both Ataleus and The Kronesian had backed out of the tournament. As such, Gonad ended up only one fight away from his goal. Zarin Renderra was the berserker's last challenge. And a great challenge it was. Gonad spent most of the fight just trying to get close, Zarin able to keep the barbarian at bay with his halberd, net, and magic. The barbarian was shocked at how effectively his foe controlled the fighting distance, with a dominance Gonad had scarcely seen before. After sustaining several severe wounds in the process, Gonad was finally able to get within reach of Zarin's body. With two terrific blows, he put Zarin on the floor and the referee stopped the match.
Such was Gonad's immense respect for the unbelievable skill of his opponent that he surrendered post-fight, so that Zarin would instead gain the official title of World's Best Warrior. Gonad did, however, keep the material prize; the last remaining item within the Worshippers' cache. Gonad was granted the dragon fusion hammer, a tremendously heavy dragon maul. Hearing tell that The Kronesian and The Martyr were still alive and kicking, Gonad decided to hang onto the almighty weapon for just a bit longer. Perhaps he will end up needing it against these dangerous foes...
The Combatants' Guild
After the tournament, the Academy of Heroes suffered a collapse in leadership. Gonad decided to become the Guildmaster himself, and gave the place an overhaul. He refurnished the Academy, and renamed it as the Combatants' Guild. Powerful fighters from all across the land were quick to join, the Guild soon becoming a holy ground for mages, rangers, and warriors of all shapes and sizes. Everything should have been glorious, however, tragedy struck. Gonad's closest friend, Baldor Greyfur, died in battle. It was the most honorable death imaginable, yet for the first time in many years, Gonad found it exceedingly hard to restrain his emotions. He shed but a single tear for his fallen brother, the most potent tear that had ever been shed. That day, Gonad lost not only a great companion, but a piece of himself as well.
After Baldor's death, Gonad began a new odyssey of battles. His first opponent of this new era was Lorelei Amaranth, a deadly aikido master and mage. Gonad went berserk right off the bat, knowing that his opponent was the kind that could not be allowed even a single chance to retaliate. He unleashed a barrage of furious attacks, defeating the half-elf in under ten seconds with a belly-to-belly suplex. It was far from one-sided, however. Even with Gonad's overwhelming pressure, Lorelei had managed to lacerate one of Gonad's kidneys and fracture two of his ribs. Gonad and Lorelei became friends afterwards, the barbarian even helping her to meet up with a new mate, Dimitri Voshan. But, there was a problem. Lorelei was already married.
Lorelei's husband, Xandres, now held a great grudge against Gonad. He confronted Gonad at the Guild, eager to exact revenge. Gonad realized that he had wronged Xandres and had lost honor in the process, and as such had to accept the proper punishment. The barbarian fell to his knees, allowing enraged husband to brutally pummel him. There was no way for him to fight back, knowing that he deserved this. Gonad understood that a warrior must know when to give a beating, and when to take one. After recovering, Gonad fought with the legendary Ausar Dae, a mahjarrat and former king. The match ended in a draw, with Gonad lying incapacitated atop his unconscious opponent. Some time later, Gonad once again encountered Xandres. It appeared that Lorelei's husband was still angry, and this time was looking to finish Gonad off permanantly.
What Xandres hadn't counted on, was that only the first beating had been free. Since the matter had been settled on the first occasion in Gonad's mind, this time he could fight back and not lose honor for it. He overpowered Xandres in a split second, forcing the man to teleport away. A few weeks later, an incredible miracle occurred. Baldor returned to the Guild, alive and well! But, it was not meant to last. Baldor's second life was only a temporary reprieve granted by destiny, to allow him to say his final goodbyes and settle family matters. For the first time in his life, Gonad had to shed a second tear for the same person as he witnessed Baldor's last funeral.
The Chieftain of Rellekka
As fate would have it, Gonad ended up as the chieftain of Rellekka. Gonad's half-brother Freider Thickpelt, the former chieftain, had died of syphilis and left the entire Fremennik Province to Gonad. Under the new chiefain's surprisingly competent reign, the economy of Rellekka shot up like a rocket. As the population grew, so did the new militaristic power gained from the battle-savvy wisdom of Gonad. Potential invaders that had been previously intent on attacking whilst Freider Thickpelt had been in charge were quick to abandon their plans and flee the province.
Soon after becoming the chieftain of Rellekka, Gonad accompanied a group of other warriors to Kethsi in order to finally face off against The Kronesian, who was revealed to be the last Kethsian. One by one, each fighter fell before the legendary might of The Kronesian. The only one who did not suffer a severe injury was Gonad. He continually chased after the powerful Kethsian, but his mystical foe teleported each time he was grabbed. Tiring of the chase, The Kronesian self destructed and died in front of the group. Gonad was displeased at having the fight cut short, but he still gave his thanks to the Kethsian for the opportunity.
A mere week afterwards, Gonad finally sold the Dragon Fusion Hammer for an excessive amount of gold, in addition to a pair of dragon gauntlets. Upon learning that no known third world countries existed in Gielinor, Gonad decided to use the gold for the purpose of bettering Rellekka instead. Purchasing runite ore from neighboring kingdoms with most of the money, Gonad then had the best armor smith in the Province craft a brand new set of armor. The remainder of the gold went into the treasury of Neitiznot. The dragon gauntlets and full rune set were stored within a special hidden chamber, only to be accessed during the most dire times of strife, in case the capital of the Fremennik Province was ever attacked (though later on Gonad gave the rune set away to a certain bearded friend). And such is the tale of how a barbaric simpleton born with nothing but a beard-diaper grew up to be one of the most wealthy and powerful men in all the world. But, as it turned out, the lifestyle was not suited to Gonad. Bored and befuddled by the responsibilities of a leader, he turned the province over to Baldor's son, Taldor Greyfur. Free from all political chains, Gonad once again assumed the status of a wandering warrior.
The Coming of Tuska
As the mighty boar god Tuska descended upon Gielinor, Gonad finally had some entertainment again. A new war had begun. The first battle took place in the Lumbridge Crater, where an army of Airut had gathered. Along with the other factions of Gielinor, Gonad attended this battle. He killed two Airut, but unfortunately was unable to nail any others. The Airut, though strong, were outnumbered and as such most of them had already been engaged by the defenders, leaving the poor barbarian without any honorable one-on-one fights. He spent much of the battle on the sidelines, keeping an eye out for available piggies.
New Morytanian Adventures
After Tuska's defeat, Gonad fell into a short depression. Such was the transcendent immanence of his combative prowess, it had been many months since he had last met a foe that could lay harm to him. He had wanted severely to fight against Tuska, but due to his code of honor he was unable to take her on. Everybody else in Gielinor had already chosen to lay siege to her, making it impossible for the battle-starved Barbarian to have a one-on-one match. His hopes to finally punch a god had been crushed. Needing a way to lift his spirits and sate his appetite for battle, Gonad traveled back to good old Morytania. There was always the spilling of blood there, after all. Our warrior was not disappointed. He wasn't able to locate a worthy opponent, but he did find the second best thing. That there were certainly a prodigious number of interesting duels to referee and eager students to teach.
So great was Gonad's merriment that he decided to bring some yaks to Morytania in order to perfect the experience. He personally carried each yak cross-country to get a little training out of the job. In this way the grand opening of the DarkLands Yak Farm came to pass, allowing the shadowy residents close access to all the glorious wonders of the benevolent yak. Not long afterwards, he sparred with one of his most promising students; an experienced vampyre who boasted an exceedingly high level of magical skill. Gonad knocked her out with a thrown flip-flop.
Over time, Gonad saw that he was participating in fewer and fewer battles. Even in Morytania, the Forbidden Land of Death where most humans dared not to venture, Gonad was finding it difficult to locate willing opponents. He took to sleeping nude on the floor in vyre-frequented establishments, hoping that in his vulnerability they might attack. None have tried. He began barging into the private manors and fortresses of vyrelords (whilst they were home) in order to make use of their facilities. He ate their food, drank their ale, and developed the nasty habit of setting their valuables on fire. Each time, however, the dark masters merely twiddled their thumbs as they waited for Gonad to go. The strange scenarios defied all reasoning and logic. Rather than Gonad adapting to his environment, the environment had adapted to Gonad. A form of reverse acclimation.
To most men, this wouldn't be very troubling. They had other things to live for. But Gonad had been born and bred only to fight. He lived for nothing else. He knew nothing else. But fate smiled upon Gonad, and his hope was restored upon hearing news of a new tournament being held. It was called "The Festival of Remembrance", and Gonad heard tell that his old rival Alfred Klios would be attending. He arrived at the tournament only to learn that the upstart competitors were not as prolific as he had hoped. Gonad chose to watch from the sidelines, not wishing to ruin the promising career of the would-be champion. It was a disappointing outcome, but Gonad no longer felt unhappy. His mighty rival Klios provided him with some much needed company during the tournament and helped the barbarian to realize that it was only a matter of time until he met his match.
It just so happened that time was to come sooner than expected. Immediately after the tournament Gonad encountered a powerful Cthonian demon in Canifis named Scion, who was able to endure almost everything Gonad threw her way. After a destructive fight, the demon invited Gonad to go on a fight date later on before flying off. Needless to say, Gonad was delirious with rapture. He made up his mind that the next time he met the demon he'd fight her with his full might. Even better, Gonad was invited to partake in a more advanced tournament than the last. It was like Christmas come early!To train for these events, Gonad took up sparring with the best warriors he could find. He chose to fight the mightiest of them (a heavily armored female warrior) in a fully prostrated position, worming his way towards her facedown and feet-first. It was a week before she was released from the Ardougne hospital. Afterwards he got into a scrap with a mahjarrat in Canifis, after the lich had purposefully knocked over Gonad's tankard of mead.
Intending to fight the barbarian barehanded, the mahjarrat threw down his blade. Gonad realized that he'd have to even the odds, since his opponent had given up his primary weapon. As such Gonad proceeded to fight with his back turned to the lich. Before long the mahjarrat was forced to retreat into the shadows. Less than a week later Gonad reunited with his best student, Rokrem Ror'steel, whom he had thought was long dead. Gonad nearly wept with joy, such was his relief at seeing his beloved pupil still breathing! The two greatest martial artists in the world then clashed with gusto, beating the crap out of each other for old times' sake. It was the closest fight Gonad had had in over five years. It was no easy task, but in the end he managed to claim victory after a boundary-pushing wrestling match which lasted nearly three hours. So grand was the duel that Gonad's lust for battle had actually been temporarily sated! Content with life, the universe, and everything, the barbarian allowed himself to be lazy for an hour. He lay outdoors in a puddle of blood, gazing up at the night sky as he sipped from the finest mead and puffed on his rarely-used war pipe.
After his bout with Rokrem, Gonad settled down in Falador to personally run the Rising Sun, and help educate the next generation of warriors. During his vacation days, he travels across dimensions to fight in realms far and away, living out his golden years facing the best opponents the Omniverse has to offer.
Gonad boasts Herculean dynamic and static strength with outrageous speed to match. He focuses on bone-shattering unarmed physical blows complemented with nigh unbeatable grappling. The strength in his hands is legendary, and so far no foe, living or dead, has succeeded in breaking his grip. Even without his overwhelming physical prowess, the technical proficiency of Gonad is unmatched, his normally ignorant mind as keen as a rune razor in close combat.
He witholds a vast array of rare and lethal wisdom, and is said to know of over one-thousand ways to kill with his bare hands. He also incorporates wrestling moves in most of his fights, allowing him a great advantage against anything with a vertebrae.
EnduranceGonad has an unending tolerance for pain, aided by unyielding determination and fighting spirit; He never gives up once he grabs ahold of a foe, until either Gonad dies, or his foe is incapacitated. Gonad has not died so far. With raw guts and skill, he has proven himself able to take on opponents whose power greatly exceeds his own. Due to his relentless lifestyle, Gonad fights through sheer muscle memory and animal instinct, making him utterly unpredictable and capable of quickly adapting to the feel of his opponents. This bolsters his reaction speed as well, allowing him to counter attacks even before his brain fully registers what has happened.
As a result of his Berserker training, Gonad has achieved almost full and total control over his bodily functions. He is capable of initiating adrenalized atonia within his golgi tendons at will, as well as regulating his circadian rythm. He can undergo immediate neovascularization, anabolism, and myofibril hypertrophy, allowing him to utilize the full latent potential of his muscles, the strength normally reserved by the human body for emergencies. This lets his fast twitch muscle fibers to fire off at a superhuman rate, giving him the speed and power of a wild animal and generating such enormous strength that his own muscles can tear themselves from his bones.
When combined with the hard earned ability to create self induced hyposthenia within his body, bringing his muscles to the ultimate point of relaxation, Gonad can then contract them with the greatest amount of force that is physically possible. At the cost of having his very bones shatter from the overwhelming might of his own attacks, Gonad can lash out with obscene blows capable of creaming even the greatest of foes. Even beyond this ability Gonad may have more secrets still hiding within his body that have not yet been seen...
In his early twenties Gonad developed his own custom fighting style called Hefty Fist. It is a close combat system designed to be be capable of neutralizing any other style of combat, be it ranged, melee, or magic. It revolves around the practioner's ability to get within close quarters of their opponent before using an array of bone-busting blows to stun the opponent in order to get a chance to grab ahold of them, whereupon the style's signature wrestling moves may be performed as a finisher. These finishers can include Piledrivers, DDTs, Suplexes, Pedegrees, Facebusters, and any other sort of head, neck, or back breaking body drop. Being the original grandmaster of Gielinor's greatest martial art, Gonad can even initiate the finishers upon large and unwieldy creatures such as bears, dragons, and trolls with relative ease due to his complete mastery over body mechanics.
Unique to Hefty Fist practitioners are a set of thick metal forearm bracers, each one weighing anywhere between three to eleven kilos. These bracers are the reason for the style's name, and are designed to be capable of deflecting and parrying blunt or bladed weapons, as well as arrows, so that the Hefty Fist user can better initiate close quarters combat. They grant the wielder enough punching force to rival the full swing of a mace and are only worn by fighters strong enough to pulverize stone with their fists, who have reached mastery over the fighting style. Gonad himself has advanced far beyond the need for material weapons and armor, and only uses the bracers for occasional strength training. Instead of practicing the traditional system of blocking and deflecting with the bracers, Gonad makes use of what he deems to be "True Hefty Fist". This method relies on using heightened reflexes and experience to anticipate enemy moves, before either "slipping" through the attack and answering with a counter or intercepting the opponent in the middle of their action. True Hefty Fist also employs the fully-offensive "Dreyrugr (Blood-Stained) Gambit" techniques, which Gonad uses only in life threatening battles. These moves rely on Gonad purposefully allowing himself to be injured in order to seize upon the enemy when they are at their most vulnerable, taking advantage of his boundless stamina and pain tolerance to quickly score a brutal checkmate. The obvious drawback is that if left untreated, the severe wounds acquired from the sacrifice could easily cost him his life.
Trivia and Music
- Gonad rarely calls people by their actual names, often using their physical appearance to give them a nickname such as Hood Man, Fancy Pants Lady, Pale Man, and Funny Beard. Those who have earned his utmost respect, however, are called by their true name.
- The longest fight Gonad has ever been in was against Frog Man, during the World Z tournament. The fight was held on a slippery tile platform surrounded by water, with touching the water counting as defeat. Frog Man's superior agility and traction allowed him to run circles around the frustrated barbarian for nearly three hours.
- Gonad's body is also so well trained, that through muscle memory he performs isometrics in his sleep.
- Gonad refers to magic as "sparklies".
- Thanks to Gonad's enormous weight and the force he is constantly exerting upon his legs, his knee cartilage requires the occasional magical healing to keep the ol' legs in working order. Luckily, Gonad knows a great many talented mages.
- Hefty Fist is a combination of Vale Tudo, Jeet Kune Do, and Professional Wrestling techniques.
- Due to Gonad's hyperactive metabolism, he consistently remains at around 5% body fat, despite consuming dozens of pounds of food per day. His diet primarily consists of raw meat and grain, alcohol, and the juices of fruits and vegetables.
- There are three berserker stages, in accordance to there being three game mechanics of the same name that can influence the player character, these being the Berserk ability, the Berserker Aura, and the Berserker prayer.
- Gonad is almost entirely incapable of learning and/or doing anything that isn't related to combat, training, hunting, and women, the subjects in which he holds enough virtuistic ability to philosophize about. It took him two weeks to learn how to first use a doorknob, and he still hasn't learned how to read even a single word. This means he is utterly useless outside of his few areas of expertise.
- Gonad is ambidextrous, has a 92" reach, and wears size 24 boots.
- Gonad's nose has been broken so many times, that all of the cartilage in it has deteriorated. In other words, he can push his nose completely flat against his face. He also has four false teeth crafted from ivory.
- Gonad has over five-hundred scars and counting, most of which were gained from legitimate combat roleplaying.
- Gonad considers Baldor Greyfur and Alfred Klios to be his mightiest rivals.
- Gonad rarely travels via boat or ship, opting instead to swim across great bodies of water.