User blog:Klaus Axis/The Legacy of Rickard and other inappropriate characters

Character One: Rickard the Mountain Goat
Lord Rickard Rimmington (Rih-kard) is a Mountain Goat, but is Human beneath it all. He is the product of Man and Beast, son of Dolf, Lord of Rimmington, and Katrina, his trusty Mountain Goat. He is the Eldest son of Dolf, but on Dolf's death, he was exiled by his younger brother, Robbbbbert, at the will of the people.

Read on at your own risk.

Some Precursor to Global Demise
He was brought, by boat, to the Kharidian Desert. There he wandered, King among Goats, and amassed a large following. Over the span of two decades his mind was warped, and all he wanted in the world was revenge on his brother and the townsfolk. After two decades, he had become the most powerful Warlord of Kharidia. After two decades of planning, his army of Desert Goats, supported by the Vultures of the Kharid, and some rowdy Ugthanki (Camelus Horribleus), was ready to reclaim his homeland.

They stormed a small trading town, north of Menaphos, and quickly razed it, slaughtered its people in a fit of bloodlust, and stole the boats. He was finally going home, and now, he had an entire army at his back.

First, Rimmington. Then, supper.

And then... the World.

An unsuccessful invasion
Unfortunately, or fortunately for Mankind, Rickards invasion was unsuccesful. The majorly overpowered Armadas of Asgarnia and Kandarin met him off the Coast of Karamja, where his Fleet of fishing boats and sloops was quickly decimated by WW2-style Warships. Rickard himself survived, and quickly retreated with the remnant of his once great fleet and army. It is rumoured that, now, he takes residence outside of Al-Kharid, where he plots with his closest Ally, Ali the Penguin, to retake what is his, and more. Rumour has it, he'll set fire to the rain. Some people just want to watch the world burn, as an army of Cacti-human hybrids rampage, uncontained.

At this point in time, Rickard leaves his position as the Supreme Admiral-General of the Cactus Farmers Society, to further his shunned plans for world domination. Immediately after this, he comes to peace with Robbbbbert, who organises the Forinthry Goats. Along with the Desert goats, and the Mountain goats, this army will take the world by storm.

Rickard's March North
Rickard began his march north on the 28th of Moevyng. His army quickly travelled through Misthalin and to Forinthry in groups of three, before meeting with Robbbbbert's Forinthry Legions in the deep wilderness. Before Rickard could march West, to bring the final addition of his army, the Grumbly Goats, he had to defeat the armies of Gay He Man (Right), who stood in his path.

Rickard's armies marched towards Gay He Man's fortress, where they met him in battle. Many decent and alright Goats died this day, but they were Martyrs for a greater cause than they could imagine. The ends justified the means.

Gay He Man, after a battle which raged for six weeks and nine days, was defeated. He bent the knee, and swore and oath a Fealty to Rickard. But the

Gay cannot be trusted, or so Rickard believes, so he had Gay He Man executed, as a lesson for all those who would oppose him. Homophobic Skeletor (left) replaced He Man, and became one of Rickard's Generals. Strengthened by the addition of Gay He Man's former troops, Rickard continues his march West, to Kandarin, where he will parlé with, and win the allegiance of, the Grumbly Goats.

Tremble in fear, Humankind, for with each step, Rickard's victory and your enslavement grows closer.

The Grumbly Goats
After the great victory against Gay He Man and the appointment of Homophobic Skeletor as Rickard's General, the next step towards ultimate victory was the unification of all the Goats. The final goats to join the cause will be the Grumbly Goats of Kandarin, the Mountain Goats having met with Rickard's host in the wilderness.

Rickard's army marched long days and rested for short nights as they went about a south westerly direction, across the Wilderness and into troll country.

Magic Carpet
During the campaign across Troll country, Rickard came to the Troll Stronghold - the Capital of the Trolls. His army quickly overran the area and surrounded the stronghold, but the trolls were resilient and reinforcements would soon arrive from the Death Plateau. Rickard commissioned the sapping beneath the stronghold, which brought about its collapse and was a major tactical and numerical victory for Rickard. Half of the Troll forces died, but then their leader, Magic Carpet, a desert Troll by birth, came out of the ruins and rallied his forces, which threw back Rickard's host. Rickard had to retreat to the Wilderness, with the Trolls and their reiforcements hot in pursuit.

But then, in a style similar to Gandalf and the Rohirrim at the Battle of Hornburg, the Grumbly Goats, led by their general, Maximus Decimus Meridius, appeared over a hill top, and crushed the rearguard of the oncoming Trolls. At the sight of their brethren, Rickard's army rallied to the cause, and met the trolls head on. The ensuing battle, the Conundrum of Cacklefall, dubbed due to the confusion and location, lasted not an hour, with the trolls defeated, Magic Carpet dead, and the Grumbly Goats joining Rickard in majestic style. The stage was nigh set for invasion; there was but one thing left to do.

Passage into Kandarin
Rickard and his massive host travelled further west, towards the lands of North Kandarin. At the far west of Troll Country, however, they lost their way. Rickard's army split in three, and took three seperate routes. Homophobic Skeletor going North-West, Rickard due West, and Maximus Decimus Meridius going South-West. The Pass of Carnaar, the Hollow of Rechjet, and the Basin of Dumarr, respectively.

The Pass of Carnaar
Homophobic Skeletor lead a third of Rickard's host throught the Pass of Carnaar, known for ambushes by the Hillmen of Carnaaridum, the Capital of the region of Carnaaria. They travelled for two weeks through this treacherous pass before the Hillmen came upon them. Deep in the night, only looking for some love, the Host stopped in the village of Whorton. At approximately quarter passed four, the Hillmen, led by their commander Xaro Xhoan Xerses Xex, raided the army's encampment, half a mile outside the town. They came quietly, and they fought viciously. Many good men and goats died in the raid, but Homophobic Skeletor managed to rally his troops, and fought back. They defeated the Hillmen, and persued them to Carnaaridum, which they then sacked, murdering man, woman and child. Skeletor's host was halved, but the Hillmen would not hinder them anymore.

The Basin of Dumarr
General Maximus Decimus Meridius, of the Grumbly Goats, led his third of Rickard's host, made up mainly of his own, through the Basin of Dumarr. It was a massive hollow, a large grassy, but slightly hilly, expanse, twenty miles in radius from its center. It was like a gigantic bowl.

The Grumbly Goats made for the shortest route across - through the middle. They set their sights on the Gates of Numor, the only way out of the Basin that such a large army could travel through. They knew they'd need to fight. For many days they lumbered across the plains of Darnaduin, the central plains of Dumarr, until they were only several hours from the Gates of Numor. Then they rested, seven days and seven nights, just as God made the world. When they were battle ready, they marched on the gates under cover of darkness.

They stormed the Tower of Dakthresh, and the Fortress of Damyra, and took them without much raucous. Then they moved on the Gate. They swarmed up the passes, attacking the defenders from the rear, for the Gates only stood to stop entrance to the Basin. They never expected an attack from behind. The Gates of Numor fell within the hour, the defenders surrendering to Maximus and Rickard's banner. They joined with the Host, and Maximus left the Basin with more than he entered. It was a good day.

The Hollow of Rechjet, and the evil Mahjarrat Rhazorp Sar
Rickard took his host, containing the Desert Goats and the Forinthry Goats, and led them into the Hollow of Rechjet. The Hollow was infamous for its sole inhabitant - a worshipper of evil, and the only black man this side of the world. He goes by Rhazor Sharp, and promotes body building, but Rickard knows better. This man is the creature, the Mahjarrat, known as Rhazorp Sar.

Rickard led his host onwards, deep into the hollow. The came upon the Portal of Daemondrake, which they had to pass through. It was not a portal in the magical sense, but a large stone archway that led into the Tunnels of Tumelore, the only way through the Hollow of Rechjet.

Through the tunnels they went, until they reached the bottom. The Cavern of Rhazorp Sar. They entered, ten abrest, for that was the most they could fit at a time, the long line of six thousand warrior goats and four thousand Mab-goats filed into the Cavern, it being large enough to house this many bodies, and more. Rickard went to the center of the arena, and called on Rhazorp Sar to show himself. Before them appeared a weight lifting manual, containing the Razor sharp fitness plan. It spoke to Rickard, mocking him, but then Robbbbbert did all he was good for; he cast his magic on the fitness manual, and it was forced to appear as Razor Sharp, the only black man this side of the world. He was humbled, and Rickard told him to tell him of the Prophecy, which he had dreamed about. Rhazorp cackled, and told of Fido the God Mod Dog, who would bring about Rickard's demise. He also told of Flash Lassie, the Savior of the Universe, who was Rickard's only hope of survival. Rickard, enraged by this, lashed out at Rhazorp Sar, slaying him with a single swipe of his horns. The evil Mahjarrat retreated to the Shadow Realm, and cast Rickard and his army out of the Hollow of Rechjet. Rickard was through, but he had to find Flash Lassie, the Savior of the Universe, before he continued his march for world domiantion.

Rickard regrouped his armies at the Pillar of Solstice, where Homophobic Skeletor and Maximus of the Grumbly Goats met him. He told his generals of his plans, and their next targets.

Finding Lassie, and confronting Fido.