Gonad Yaksplitter

"Hrah! Not yet has Gonad bled enough!!"

- Gonad Yaksplitter

Gonad Yaksplitter is the chief of the nomadic Barbarian tribe known as the Village of Gonad. He is a revered warrior, a sought after teacher of philosophy and combat, and a lover of hefty women.

He is played by the user Dr Amalarik.

Description
Silhouetted against the burning passions of war, a figure stands tall, unmoving. His physique is as definitive as the gory victory with which his gruesome hands secure. Woven into his flowing gray beard is a tapestry of blood, proclaiming the legendary tales of the countless scars adorning the sacred weapon, known as Gonad. For weapon he is, heated and hammered in the unquenchable fires of battle.

Pure unadulterated muscle. Lean muscle that ripples under his flesh like the waves of the ocean. He has muscles on his muscles. Feet Muscles. Finger muscles. Muscles in places that muscles should not be. Bulging veins, thick and course. Tendons like steel cords. Fingers like blunt iron rods. His enormous yet supple frame moves with a primal grace, the likes of which are comparable only to the untamed beasts of the wild. He boasts a great dark gray beard, the mightiest beard in the land, speckled with the blood and bone flakes of his foes. He is missing an eye, for you only need one eye to crush your enemies.

His body is riddled with the innumerable wounds left by his combative livelihood. Where the scars do not cover his body, coarse manly hair, thick and strong like steel wool, does. He stalks the land in a never-ending conquest to sate his appetite for battle, an apex predator whose only natural enemies are those who don't understand the food chain.

Summary
They say when the Barbarian called Gonad Yaksplitter was born, he came into this world bearing a full and mighty beard, and had the equivalent muscles of a shaved adult yak. He was born on the battlefield, his infantile but well defined body gushing forth from the womb of his mother, and landing in a puddle of blood that had been pooling from the corpse of a nearby enemy. It was in this way that Gonad had first been christened with the blood of his enemies. His mother, Chukka, had broken both legs in the battle, and only she and her newborn son had survived the disastrous conflict. It had been a Barbarian war party, sent out from Gonad's home village, which lay fifty-five miles East.

Chukka was forced to crawl back using her hands and teeth, bearing Gonad on her back. Only by sustaining young Gonad with the meat of her placenta, and the warm milk from her breasts, was she able to keep him nourished during the arduous trip back. Using the prodigious length of young Gonad's beard, she was able to fashion a makeshift diaper to keep him from soiling her back. After two months, they managed to return to the village, much to the great joy of Chief Jarvi. Upon being shocked at the sight of Gonad's beard-diaper being removed, he promptly named muscular Gonad after his hefty namesake, and renamed their village after the miracle child. By some rarely seen genetic fault, Gonad was born with a complete and total deficiency in myostatin, the hormone that limits muscle growth and testosterone. This, coupled with muscular dysmorphia, an overactive pituitary gland, and a hyperactive rate of metabolism, created the ultimate specimen of physical manhood. A being that was literally born to fight.



Trained in the Barbarian and Berserker arts of combat since the moment he could walk,  nearly every minute of every hour of every day of his life he endured the most physically and mentally crushing training imaginable, his talent of unarmed combat pushed beyond the limits of reason. He bears as many scars from his training as he does from battle. Gonad has participated in thousands of individual fights, ranging from one on one bouts to full scale wars, and from his experience has even created his own fighting style, which he dubbed "Hefty Fist".

Personality
A true warrior, the blood of Gonad boils at the prospect of a great battle. The greatest of his lusts, he desires a worthy opponent above all else. To Gonad, a battle to the death is the most sacred and honorable ambition a warrior can hope for. Gonad is quite amiable, often asking random strangers to become drinking buddies. He also has a jovial sense of humor, and enjoys a good prank. Though he is slow to anger, Gonad can become enraged if he sees any behavior which he deems "Dishonorable".

Through many years of brutal nonstop discipline and training, he has developed a will as hard as his body. As weakness had been beaten out of him at birth, it was not long before he became so well associated with hardship and pain, that both feelings became an integral part of his personality. He now enjoys agony and difficulty, and carries upon his shoulders the full weight of his village's pride and future. To Gonad, shame and fear are emotions that no longer exist. With adversity drilled into the very core of his being through unimaginable and relentless effort, he shaped his personality into an unbreechable iron hull filled with undepletable reserves of determination. Though not by any means distanced from other negative emotions, he still bears them with neither complaint nor angst, and has never allowed himself to feel regret.

Gonad now travels the land endlessly, seeking nothing more than worthy opponents to fight. He lives only for pushing the boundaries of human strength and spirit, pushing himself beyond the utmost limit in extreme combat. He fears not death, nor pain, nor loss, for it is from these things that the vigor and strength of true manhood and honor spring. He revels in the pain, luxuriates in death, and basks in loss. To fight for honor, the honor of both himself, and for the honor of those who are unable to defend themselves against the dishonorable. There is no life, death, joy, sadness. Nothing but the fist of Gonad exists, eternally judging the honorable from the dishonorable, and crushing all who dare oppose it.

He respects women greatly, and is sworn to only ever strike a woman in self defence, with the flat of his hand. However, he might bend the rules if a woman proves to be especially ugly or powerful. If Gonad feels that his opponent is truly worthy in fighting spirit, then he will honor them by fighting with his full might, even if they are small or a female. He never will engage in dishonorable practices such as deception, and will not tolerate an unfair fight.



In Gonad's belief system, it is understood that no warrior can be called truly "Proficient". This is because that would imply a fighter exists who is "Perfect", meaning that he could never be beaten. As Gonad believes that there is always a stronger opponent, he maintains that he is, and always will be, a student. With this belief, all physical limitations are considered nonexistent, as there will always be the motive of growing stronger without end, whilst maintaining an air of humble dignity and respect for the potential of others.

History
In his youth, Gonad was the son of Jorvi Yaksplitter, the previous chief. His mother was known only as Chukka. From the moment of his birth, he was made to perform rigorous excercises in order to develop his body as soon as possible. The full details of his training remain unknown for the most part, as the accounts of Barbarians are often muddled with myth. What is known are the basics of his regimen, from the date of his birth, to current day.

Aged One: Gonad is regularly beaten with a wet strip of leather. Gonad is regularly held over stoked flames. Gonad is regularly given rodents, and encouraged to crush them in his hands. Gonad is forced to develop his upper body strength via unknown means, involving a two pound rock, a plank, a boot, and rope crafted from yak hair.

Aged Five: Gonad is regularly taken several dozen miles into the wilderness before being abandoned and told to make his way back. Gonad is regularly brought into tribal wars, and claims to have had a double digit kill-count before his sixth year. Gonad is made to regularly consume the flesh of his fallen enemies. Gonad is regularly made to carry an eighty-pound rock upon his back. Gonad is regularly beaten with wooden staves whilst wrestling with his older peers in a pit full of yak dung. Gonad is regularly made to mate with older Barbarian women. Gonad is regularly made to strike rocks with his bare fists. In tribal wars, often many warriors are left mortally wounded on the battlefield, unable to recieve medical treatment. Though Gonad speaks freely of the kills he made in honorable combat, he rarely describes the many grievously wounded allies and enemies he was tasked with mercy killing. Several of his own brethren Gonad had to kill in this way, by snapping their necks.



Aged Ten: Gonad habitually trains to the point of sweating blood. Gonad is regularly made to fight wild animals unarmed. Gonad is regularly beaten with iron rods. Gonad regularly splits burning logs with his crotch. Gonad is made to carry a one-hundred and eighty pound rock upon his back at all times. Gonad is branded regularly with hot irons. Gonad regularly spars with his peers in the catacombs underneath the village, where it is pitch black. Gonad is regularly made to punch yaks until they die of blunt force trauma. Gonad is regularly made to skin and disembowel said yaks with bare hands. It was at this time Gonad met Lukka, his first wife. An enduring custom of the Village of Gonad, the wife always fights her spouse tooth and nail on their wedding night during mating. The fight is no holds barred, and often severe and permanent injuries result from it. The winner of this matrimonial bout becomes the dominant partner in the relationship. To overpower your mate, is known in the village as "taming" them. Gonad tamed Lukka on the first night of their marriage.

Aged Fifteen: As per the requirements of the Village's manhood ritual, Gonad and his brother Testiculese were made to journey up the steep side of White Wolf Mountain. The hike spanning several days, the two barbarians took turns carrying eachother upon their backs so that the one being carried would have a chance for rest, and the one carrying him would make up for his lack of effort. Up sheer cliffs, and through howling wind and freezing snow did Gonad carry Testiculese, and did Testiculese carry Gonad. With naught but their own bare flesh, they bore both the furies of nature and of the ravenous white wolf packs. After five days, they reached the summit, and together they struck down the Alpha Wolf. And then, back down again they went, the trip back to the base of the mountain taking another five days of hardship. Through these ten days in icy Hell, the bonds of brotherhood grew stronger than any metal that had ever been forged.

Aged Twenty: Gonad claims to have had a triple digit kill-count. Gonad regularly strikes his face against rocks. Gonad regularly falls from twenty foot high cliffs. Gonad regularly takes mass beatings from his village as endurance training. Gonad regularly punches himself in the face. Gonad is made to toat a three-hundred and forty pound rock upon his back at all times. Gonad performs various custom excercises, among them being Jori Swings, similar to Persian Clubs excercises. Gonad regularly sets off on three-month long expeditions to seek strong opponents. It was at this time that Gonad created the "Hefty Fist" style of martial arts. By this time, Gonad had already met and tamed his second, third, and fourth wives; Chinga, Brokki, and Dronna, respectively.

Current, Aged Thirty-Three: Gonad seeks immense physical stress by any means possible. He continues to go on three-month long expeditions from his village to seek out strong opponents. Gonad claims to have a quadruple digit kill-count. Gonad regularly carries a four-hundred and sixty-four pound rock in his arms. Currently, Gonad has a total of eight wives, with the new additions being Thorungi, Krabbucka, Chugga, and Grukara. Over eight feet tall, and weighing nearly a quarter of a ton, Gonad's favored wife Chugga is both the strongest female and the second strongest warrior in the village. Having attended all of the tribal wars that occured in her lifetime, she herself had killed many men with her bare hands. Better known as the Seventh Wife of Gonad, she fought Gonad as viciously as any opponent Gonad had ever faced. It was by her hand that Gonad lost his left eye. Gonad was able to tame her after a bloody scrap that lasted over two hours.



The Falador Days

Soon after Gonad's twenty-first birthday, his father, Chief Jorvi Yaksplitter, was killed in battle. Gonad was made chief immediately upon his return from the Misthalani War. Leaving Testiculese as chieftan in his absence, Gonad made his first trip to Falador, having heard of the many fights that occurred there. On arrival, Gonad decided upon a prolonged stay.

His most notable victories during this period in time include defeating a squadron of eight white knights, a pirate, an infest zombie, two dragons, and a demon, all within a two-hour period using only unarmed combat. He also has fought the enchanted construct known as 'Vile multiple times, with many of their battles having ended in ties.

The Mortanian Trek

After Gonad's stay in Falador, he traveled to Morytania in search of stronger opponents. Upon passing the River Salve, Gonad was confronted by a troop of Vyrewatch seeking a tithe. After having tried cooking and eating them to no avail due to their horrible taste, Gonad had then found his way to the town of Canifis where he would settle for some time to come. Eventually realising that he had been caught up in the everyday dramas of vampyric bickering, Gonad soon decided that the Dark Lands no longer held his interest. Notable victories which occurred during this time period include various werewolves and vampyres, an infernal demon lord, a Mahjarrat, and three Vyrelords.

The Sanctum of Heroes

Upon leaving Mortania, Gonad had then traveled to the outskirts of Al-Kharid to seek greater strength. There he joined with the Sanctum of Heroes, quickly becoming the Melee Champion and taking on the role of a teacher. Notable victories which occured at this time include taking down a werewolf and an undead black dragon with hand-to-hand combat, defeating a fully armed nine foot tall ork in seven seconds whilst buck naked, and fighting a fully powered post-ritual Mahjarrat to a standstill.

During a journey into Canifis, Gonad encountered the formidable Promethian leader known as Ataleus, with a short but intense battle following. Though Gonad had managed to relieve Ataleus of his blade, he was wholly unprepared for the devastating fire attack that the man's aegus shield carried, something that Gonad had never encountered before. With his few remaining moments of consciousness, Gonad immobilized his opponent by breaking his neck. Both men had fought to a bloody draw.

Shortly after his battle with Ataleus, Gonad provided military aid to the Battalion for a day, an organisation of Bandosians seeking to wage war against the trolls. On their first trip into the mountains to attack, Gonad killed two trolls with his bare hands, snapping the back of the first with a boston crab submission, and crushing the skull of the second with a bulldog/leaping stomp combination. On another trip to Canifis, Gonad and several other humans encountered a Vyrewatch raiding party that was twelve members strong. Most of the humans were forced into retreat, with only Gonad left to face the remaining Vyrewatch. Gonad seized ahold of one and used her body as a blunt weapon, beating off the other Vyrewatch and eventually driving them into a full retreat.

After returning to the Sanctum, Gonad met the much feared Kaboto and engaged him in battle. The two titans met with unequaled force, trading blows the likes of which could barely be conceived. After having his arse and hands burnt to the bone, and suffering a severely lacerated kidney, Gonad managed to choke Kaboto into unconsciousness with a fierce three-quarter facelock. A few weeks later, Gonad undertook a quest to qualify for the Legends Guild. He was sent to Trollheim, and there encountered the giant fifty foot troll known as Dragon. Though Gonad suffered two broken legs, he was still able to kill the beast with his bare hands by tearing out its throat.

Not long after entering the Legends Guild, Gonad participated in the Faladian Political War, which occurred during the reign of Lord 'Vile. 'Vile gave up the throne, and during the chaos, Gonad ended up with the deed to the Rising Sun. Now tasked as the new overseer of the Rising Sun, Gonad allows any and all forms of combat to take place there. Not long afterwards, Gonad accompanied a few members of the Everric family  on a journey to Oo'glog, to help defend the spa against rogue ogres. After tearing out the heart of one ogre and knocking out another with a single punch, the Everrics bestowed upon Gonad the title of "Champion of the Ogrelands".

One week later, whilst Gonad was training his students at the Sanctum, an 8'5" division two mahjarrat appeared. He was Crevor, the father of Cyrius, and had intended to frighten the inhabitants of the Sanctum into submission. Gonad approached, and Crevor attempted to grab him by the throat. Within three seconds Crevor had teleported away, having sustained a shattered arm and two broken ribs. Nobody else had been harmed from the encounter. A week later, the Sanctum came under attack by a black dragon. Gonad leapt upon the beast's back as it took flight, and defeated the dragon with a terminal velocity piledriver.

The Fight Arena Tournament

During his time as a mentor in the Heroes Academy, Gonad heard tell of a great tournament that was to be fought, with the winner recieving a hefty reward of ten-thousand gold. Without any delay, Gonad prompty entered into this contest of might. His first opponent was Dekim, an elf possessed by a demonic spirit. His second opponent was his own pupil, Funny Beard, who had entered in order to test his skills. His third foe was to be the half-giant K'ril, however K'ril forfeited before the match. Gonad's last opponent was a dragon half-breed, called Cerus the Destroyer.

After being disarmed by Gonad, Cerus resorted to calling upon his pet black dragon for aid. Risking life and limb, Gonad was able to subdue the beast by performing a leaping stomp onto the beast's crown. Cerus then admitted defeat, bestowing upon Gonad the winnings of the tournament. Gonad donated most of the winnings to Loki's Lumbridge Orphanage, keeping only enough for himself to buy a new set of mithril bracers.

New Strength

After a challenging duel against the experienced Alfred Klios, Gonad decided to set off on a long trek to the Wushanko Isles in order to increase his power. He was taught the art of farsight by Grandmaster Wo Dao. The training required one to empty the mind, and as Gonad's mind didn't have much in it to begin with, he was a natural. By concentrating, he can now sense the Anima Mundi of lifeforms along with their intent. In addition, he participated in a great many duels against opponents with varying styles. When Gonad finally returned home, he found that he had attained a level of skill far beyond that of his brethren.

Desiring to test his fresh might, Gonad decided to enter a brand new tournament. History's greatest tournament, in fact, with the winner getting a chance to face the mightiest being in the world, The Kronesian. Later learning that the victor would obtain a dragon weapon, Gonad realised that the stakes were far greater than they had first seemed; Even if killing were against the rules in the tournament, many lives could still be lost. Without the money gained from selling the dragon weapon, the mortality rate would continue its disastrous course in poverty stricken third world countries full of emaciated, butt-ugly orphans. With a mountainous sense of responsibility placed upon his shoulders, Gonad set out to save the needy children of the world...

The Paxhae Proelii Tournament

Coming soon.

Strength
Gonad boasts Herculean strength with outrageous speed to match, and uses it to his full advantage. He focuses on heavy unarmed physical strikes complemented with nigh unbeatable grappling. The strength in his hands is legendary, and so far, no foe, living or dead, has succeeded in breaking his grip. Even without his overwhelming physical prowess, the technical proficiency of Gonad is unmatched, his normally dull mind as keen as a rune razor in close combat.

He witholds a vast array of rare and lethal wisdom, and is said to know of over one-thousand ways to kill with his bare hands. He also incorporates wrestling moves in most of his fights, allowing him a great advantage against anything with a vertebrae.

Endurance
Gonad has an immense tolerance for pain, aided by unyielding determination and fighting spirit; He never gives up once he grabs ahold of a foe, until either Gonad dies, or his foe is incapacitated. Gonad has not died so far. With raw guts and skill, he has proven himself able to take on opponents whose power greatly exceeds his own. Due to his relentless lifestyle, Gonad fights through sheer muscle memory and animal instinct, making him utterly unpredictable and capable of quickly adapting to the feel of his opponents. This bolsters his reaction speed as well, allowing him to counter attacks even before his brain fully registers what has happened.

Self-Control
As a result of his Berserker training, Gonad has achieved almost full and total control over his bodily functions. He is capable of initiating adrenalized atonia within his golgi tendons at will, as well as regulating his circadian rythm. He can also undergo immediate neovascularization, anabolism, and myofibril hypertrophy, allowing him to utilize the full latent potential of his muscles, the strength normally reserved by the human body for emergencies. This allows his fast twitch muscle fibers to fire off at a superhuman rate, giving him the speed and power of a wild animal, granting him such enormous strength that his own muscles can tear themselves from his bones.

When combined with his hard earned ability to create self induced hyposthenia within his body, bringing his muscles to the ultimate point of relaxation, Gonad can then contract them with the greatest amount of force that is physically possible. At the cost of having his very bones shatter from the overwhelming might of his own attacks, Gonad can lash out with blows that would quake even the greatest of enemies.

Hefty Fist
In his early twenties, Gonad developed his own custom fighting style, called Hefty Fist. It is a close combat system designed to be be capable of neutralizing any other style of combat, be it ranged, melee, or magic. It revolves around the practioner's ability to get within close quarters of their opponent, before using an array of bone breaking blows to stun the opponent in order to get a chance to grab ahold of them, whereupon the style's signature wrestling moves may be performed as a finisher. These finishers can include Piledrivers, DDTs, Suplexes, Pedegrees, Facebusters, and any other sort of head, neck, or back breaking body drop.



Unique to Hefty Fist practitioners are a set of thick metal forearm bracers, each one weighing anywhere between three to eleven kilos. These bracers are the reason for the style's name, and are designed to be capable of deflecting and parrying blunt or bladed weapons, as well as arrows, so that the Hefty Fist user can better initiate close quarters combat. They grant the wielder enough punching force to rival the full swing of a mace, and are only worn by fighters strong enough to pulverize stone with their fists, who have reached mastery over the fighting style. It is thought that to be grabbed by a Hefty Fist practitioner is almost always akin to certain defeat.

Trivia and Music

 * Gonad rarely calls people by their actual names, often using their physical appearance to give them a nickname such as Hood Man, Fancy Pants Lady, Pale Man, and Funny Beard. Those who have earned his utmost respect, however, are called by their true name.


 * The longest fight Gonad has ever been in was against Frog Man, during the World Z tournament. The fight was held on a slippery tile platform surrounded by water, with touching the water counting as defeat. Frog Man's superior agility and traction allowed him to run circles around the frustrated barbarian for nearly three hours.
 * Gonad has both keen hearing and a sharp sense of smell. His body is also so well trained, that through muscle memory he performs isometrics in his sleep.
 * Gonad refers to magic as "sparklies".
 * Hefty Fist is a combination of MMA, Jeet Kune Do, and Professional Wrestling techniques.
 * Due to Gonad's hyperactive metabolism, he consistently remains at around 5% body fat, despite Part of the Packming dozens of pounds of food per day. His diet primarily consists of raw meat and grain, alcohol, and the juices of fruits and vegetables.
 * Gonad is almost entirely incapable of learning and/or doing anything that isn't related to combat, training, hunting, and women, the subjects in which he holds enough virtuistic ability to philosophize about. It took him two weeks to learn how to first use a doorknob, and he still hasn't learned how to read even a single word. This means he is utterly useless outside of his few areas of expertise.Wolf Blood
 * Gonad is ambidextrous, has a 92" reach, and wears size 24 boots.
 * Gonad's nose has been broken so many times, that all of the cartileage in it has deteriorated. This lets Gonad to push his nose completely flat against his face. He also has three false teeth crafted from ivory.
 * Gonad has over five-hundred scars and counting.